There’s Something Very Important Missing From “A Christmas Story: Live”

Liberals ruin everything, even iconic Christmas stories.

Case in point: Tonight’s broadcast of “A Christmas Story: Live.” As I write this, the show is still playing live, but I’m watching it so you don’t have to.

And I noticed something pretty odd right off the bat.

From Bustle:

Soon after the opening bars of music rang out on the set of FOX’s latest live production, Twitter users had plenty of thoughts. And, um, apparently a hefty portion of them were unaware that A Christmas Story Live was supposed to be a musical.

Though the live FOX production is based on the Broadway version of the beloved 1983 film, A Christmas Story, some people seemed to be caught off guard when Ralphie started belting out some serious notes. The confusion seems odd, given that past live network productions of classic films — Peter Pan Live, Grease Live and The Sound of Music Live, to name a few — have all been musicals.

But, to the credit of the puzzled viewers, the trailers for this television event haven’t heavily featured the musical aspect of A Christmas Story Live or really even sampled or previewed any of the songs (which makes sense, because it would all be happening for the first time live). The Broadway show, though it was well-received, also isn’t exactly a worldwide phenomenon or household name a la Hamilton.

It seems that many were simply hoping to watch a cut-and-dry live reenactment of the 1983 fan favorite, and when it became clear that the entire film was going to feature musical numbers, some people were distinctly not into it.

That’s the understatement of the season.

One of the early numbers is “Ralphie to the Rescue,” or “Cowboy Ralphie,” inspired by the imagination sequence in the original where Ralphie fights off a host of baddies with his trusted Red Ryder BB gun. Only in this version there’s something very important missing…

THE GUN.

Ralphie is dressed in his iconic cowboy outfit, yes, but instead of killing the bad guys with his BB gun, he fights them off with a series of ridiculous karate moves. He beats his enemies with tiny fists of fury in a sequence that’s supposed to show why having a gun could be very useful in life-threatening situations.

Cutting the gun from the song and dance number proves to be counter-intuitive to the story. Didn’t Ralphie just prove that you don’t need a gun to fight off the bad guys? In a sequence that’s supposed to show the exact opposite point?

There’s no gun in sight throughout the entire “Cowboy Ralphie” number, and I’m doubtful that it’ll ever make an appearance in the entire musical. It’s not over yet, and I’m still waiting.

My guess at this point is that Ralphie won’t actually get the gun for Christmas. Instead, he’ll receive a pair of imitation ruby slippers from “The Wizard of Oz” – after realizing that he’s transgender.

Will he now want to be called Rafaella?

I hope I pass out from all the drinking I’ve had to do to make it this far before I find out.