1. Parallel lines have so much in common. It’s a shame they’ll never meet.
2. My wife accused me of being immature. I told her to get out of my fort.
3. Women only call me ugly until they find out how much money I make. Then they call me ugly and poor.
4. How many Germans does it take to screw in a light bulb? One, they’re efficient and not very funny.
5. What do you call a dog with no legs? It doesn’t matter; it’s not going to come.
6. Someone stole my Microsoft Office and they’re gonna pay. You have my Word.
7. What’s green, fuzzy, and if it fell out of a tree it would kill you? A pool table.
8. Apparently, someone in London gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor guy.
9. How do you find Will Smith in the snow? You look for the fresh prints.
10. I went to a really emotional wedding the other day. Even the cake was in tiers.
11. We have a genetic predisposition for diarrhea. Runs in our jeans.
12. A physicist sees a young man about to jump off the Empire State Building. He yells, “Don’t do it! You have so much potential!”
13. A hot blonde orders a double entendre at the bar. The bartender gave it to her.
14. Want to hear a word I just made up? Plagiarism.
15. Why do cows wear bells? Because their horns don’t work.
16. What did the pirate say when he turned 80? Aye Matey.
17. To the handicapped guy who stole my bag. You can hide but you can’t run.
18. I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him run faster. If anything, it made him more sluggish.
19. And the Lord said unto John, “Come forth and you will receive eternal life.” But John came fifth, and won a toaster.
20. Q: How do you think the unthinkable? A: With an itheberg.
21. Someone stole my mood ring. I don’t know how I feel about that.
22. I tried to catch fog yesterday. Mist.
23. The first rule of Alzheimer’s club? Don’t talk about chess club.
24. Why does a chicken coop have two doors? If it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
25. I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high. She looked surprised.
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